Damn Crazy Brazilian

Remember how I said crazy shit happens to me all the time. Well, I got a good one for ya. Get a load of this....

Last night the kid and I were sitting around the apartment after a Sunday of nothing much at all. There is this guy who lives in our apartment complex that my son and I call "Skinny Dude". Yes, we always refer to him as Skinny Dude and I bet you can guess why. It really isn't that he is skinny, he just has NO body fat. None. All muscle and bone. We knew Skinny Dude did not speak English. This poses a problem since the kid and I speak only English, but the problem is compounded when you realize that Skinny Dude is Brazilian and therefore speaks Portuguese and not Spanish. I can get at least a general understanding of what is being said in Spanish, but Portuguese? I am at a total loss. Okay, so suffice it to say that I haven't had conversation one with Skinny Dude except a "Hello". That is it. Sooooo, last night I had just prepared dinner for the kid and me and lo if I don't look out the sliding glass doors to see Skinny Dude waving me at me in more of a "come here" wave than a "Hi, how ya' doin'" wave. So, there I was standing there with a plate of hot food in my hungry little hands and I was being waved outside by Skinny Dude.

Now immediately I knew that was going to end badly, but manners intact, I had to oblige. A girl just can't leave someone outside waving because she has her dinner in her hands. Now, where I come from, if you are interrupting a meal, you were interrupting for some damn serious business. Meal time is sorta sacred, ya know? If he saw that I had a plate of hot food in my hands, there must be something real, real important that he must tell me. I put my plate down and went to the door thinking that he had hit my car in the parking lot or something of that nature which would require that my meal be interrupted. Um, no.

As soon as the kid and I went outside, the insanity began. First of all, neither the kid nor I could understand one fucking thing Skinny Dude was saying. Not even a little clue. After about 15 minutes of, um, talking and not understanding, I wanted to get back to my meal. I could see my car and it was in fine shape. Well, apparently, he wanted to tell me a whole world of things, I just couldn't understand him. It was the most frustrating thing I have ever experienced in my whole life. I did understand that he wanted to teach me Portuguese and for me to teach him English. Um, who is the big winner in this equation? The ever useful Portuguese language. Anyway, he kept pointing at things and giving me the word in Portuguese and waiting for me to tell him the English word. Now, as captivating at that is, my baked chicken was clucking my name from the coffee table. I was hungry. So, since he couldn't understand me, I said "Come on in. I gotta eat." And so in we went and I proceeded to eat my dinner while he kept talking and I kept not understanding. The kid lost interest in the fiasco and went out to play with his friends. This abandonment turned out to be catastrophic for the fledgling friendship Skinny Dude and I were nurturing along with waves and brief hellos.

I picked at my food as Skinny Dude talked on and on and the frustration continued. Finally, he sat down beside me on the sofa. He got sorta close and I could smell that he had been drinking. A lot. He pointed to my eyes and told me they were beautiful. Beautiful is one of his 10 or so English words. He said "I'm sorry" more times than I have ever heard in my life which, if the dinner invasion belied, made me believe that he was at least trying to be polite. Then he kept pointing at my ring finger. "No, I am not married." I said time and again. Maddening. Then he kept pointing at each facial structure and wanting me to name it. Every time we got to the mouth and lips, a little gasp would escape his lips when he watched my mouth speak. It was just damn freaky. No shit. He would also get that stupid dreamy look on his face and then gasp again. I was just freaked out. Then he got close and I think (though God knows I can't be sure) that he asked me to marry him. He told me I was beautiful (get the redundancy here). He knows my sons name and kept saying "You mother, me father, PT son". How fucked up is this shit? I couldn't make this shit up. I thought I was having some sort of nightmare. But, no, it was real. A man I have never had a conversation with in my entire life because we don't speak the same language asked me to marry him.

Egads!

Though I don't know much about Brazilian culture, I am pretty sure this is not indicative of the way things work down there. If anyone knows, could you please help me out here?